As the parent of a teenager, you may have found that the days of your child hanging on your every word are long gone. Instead, you may now be met with the classic eyeroll, the exasperated sigh, or the dreaded door slamming when you try to offer advice. But with GCSEs and A Levels looming, you know they could use a bit of guidance—even if they don’t know (or won’t admit) it.
So, how do you help them without them realising you’re actually helping? The answer: become a ‘secret coach.’ This means subtly guiding, supporting, and encouraging them while making it look like they’re completely in charge. Sneaky? Yes. Effective? Absolutely.
The Power of Reverse Psychology
Teenagers love to rebel against anything that feels like a directive, so the key is to make them think everything is their idea. Instead of saying, “You should probably start revising now,” try a more offhand approach: “Wow, I read somewhere that students who start revising early actually do way better. But, you know, you do you.” You might just find them cracking open a book sooner rather than later. This approach may be a bit too unsubtle for many teens, sadly, who will have cottoned on to this tactic years ago.
The Magical Power of ‘Strategic Snacks’
Teenagers and food go hand in hand. The right snacks can provide brain fuel without the sugar crashes that lead to “I just can’t do this anymore!” moments. Instead of nagging about diet, subtly stock the fridge with brain-boosting foods: nuts, dark chocolate, blueberries, and smoothies. Leave them out in an easy-to-grab spot and act completely nonchalant about it. They’ll think it’s their idea to grab the almonds instead of the crisps. I’d also recommend stocking up on some of their favourite junky snacks too. We all need a treat now and then and picking which battles to fight with your teenager is important.
Be the Background DJ of Their Success
Music can have a huge impact on focus and mood, and our ability to study effectively. If your teen likes to listen to music while studying, subtly introduce study-friendly playlists into the mix. Classical music, lo-fi beats, or even soundtracks from movies and video games can boost concentration. The trick? Casually play them around the house. A few ‘accidental’ exposures and they might just adopt them for study sessions. Just don’t make it too obvious, if you usually listen to heavy-metal or punk rock, streaming the Carpenters throughout the house may be met with suspicion.
Get Them Talking Without Asking Too Many Questions
Teenagers don’t love being interrogated (does anybody?). Instead of sitting them down at the table for a focused chat, picking relaxed times to talk can be more effective. Crucially, teenagers will often talk more freely when they don’t have to make eye contact with you. I always used car journeys to talk about difficult topics with my teenagers. They could look out of the window, fiddle with the music, but they tended to listen. And of course, they couldn’t just get up and leave! Try starting conversations with open-ended comments rather than the dreaded “How’s revision going?” Something more indirect might be more effective: “I was reading about different revision techniques the other day. Do you think you’d learn better with mind maps or flashcards?” Another great way to refocus a teenager who is struggling to see the point of all the revision and work they’re having to do, for seemingly abstract exams, is to ask them to visualise what their chosen career looks like and then work backwards from that so that hopefully they will start to see the relevance of their studying now. Giving them control of the conversation makes them more likely to engage without feeling like they’re being grilled.
Introduce ‘Study Break Adventures’
Long revision hours can lead to burnout, but suggesting a “nice walk together” might be met with resistance. Instead, disguise study breaks as spontaneous treats: “I fancy a hot chocolate, want one?” or “I need to pop to the shop—fancy coming?” These little breaks keep their energy levels up and show them the importance of downtime without forcing it on them. These scenarios also can double up with the previous point, making it a double whammy positive move on your part. These opportunities also give you the chance to slip in a subtle boost to your child’s self-esteem and motivation. Tell them how impressed you have been with their attitude towards their study and that you know it’s a difficult time. Not trying to give solutions, just acknowledging the situation, can be incredibly powerful in keeping your teenager onside.
Secretly Manage Expectations
Stress often comes from the fear of failure. If your teen is feeling the pressure, drop in reminders that exams are important but not the end of the world. A nonchalant “Did you know Richard Branson did terribly at school and still became a billionaire?” can help them keep things in perspective. This approach has really worked for my own children. Simply telling them that nothing is more important than their wellbeing is enough for them to feel the pressure is off, and they are then more likely to be able to work more effectively. (it’s also totally genuine: who cares if your child has amazing grades if they have a mental-health fall-out?) I have written about this in a previous blog post on executive functioning.
Team Up with Other ‘Secret Coaches’
Teenagers sometimes listen to anyone except their parents. Enlist the help of teachers, older siblings, or even family friends. A well-placed word from someone they admire can reinforce messages you’ve been subtly planting for weeks.
Remember: It’s All About Balance
Ultimately, the goal is to be supportive without being overbearing. By taking a step back and mastering the art of subtle guidance, you can help your teen navigate the world of GCSEs and A Levels without them even realising they’re being coached. And who knows? One day, they might just thank you for it.
Until then, keep up the secret coaching—it’s an art form worth perfecting!
