This week I have spoken with two sets of worried parents who have teenage children with very different difficulties. On the face of it their situations bore no resemblance to each other, except for one important aspect: the parents were all engaged, well-meaning and desperate to help give their children the very best start in life, and their respective children had had their confidence knocked, lost motivation and seemed very fragile. In short, their children lacked resilience, and the parents could not understand why, when they had done everything in their power to support and help their children thrive. How is it possible that the most loving and positive families can end up with a child who cannot cope with the trials and tribulations of everyday life?
Resilience is one of the most vital qualities a young person can develop in today’s world. It enables them to navigate life’s inevitable ups and downs, recover from setbacks, and grow stronger from adversity. For teenagers, who are in the throes of emotional, social, and academic challenges, resilience is not just beneficial—it is essential.
But what exactly is resilience, why is it so important during adolescence, and how can parents help nurture it? Perhaps more crucially, how might some well-meaning parenting strategies be undermining its development?
What Is Resilience, and What Is It Not?
Resilience refers to the ability to bounce back from adversity, stress, or trauma. It is not about avoiding difficult emotions or pretending everything is fine; rather, it’s the capacity to endure hardship, adapt, and continue functioning well.
Resilience is also not ‘toughening up’ and simply showing a ‘stiff upper lip’. A lack of resilience is not an inevitable feature of Gen Z ‘snowflakes’, but it is a characteristic that can be nurtured, or hindered, by well-meaning parents.
In psychological terms, resilience involves emotional regulation, cognitive flexibility, a sense of purpose, and strong social connections. It’s a dynamic process, shaped by both internal traits and external factors, including family support, peer relationships, and community resources.
The American Psychological Association describes resilience as the ability to “adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress” APA.
Why Is Resilience Crucial for Teenagers?
Adolescence is a period of rapid development and frequent challenge. Teenagers face academic pressures, identity formation, social dilemmas, and, increasingly, mental health struggles. Scarily, according to the NHS, one in six children aged 5 to 16 had a probable mental disorder in 2021—a number that has increased in recent years NHS Digital.
Teenagers who lack resilience may find it difficult to cope with exam stress, social rejection, failure, or conflict. This can lead to anxiety, depression, school refusal, and risky behaviours. Conversely, resilient teens are more likely to manage stress effectively, maintain healthy relationships, and pursue goals with perseverance. I have never come across a parent who has not aimed to foster and develop resilience in their child.
How Parents May Be Undermining Resilience—Without Realising
Most parents want nothing more than to protect their children from pain. But in trying to shield teenagers from discomfort, disappointment, or failure, parents may unintentionally prevent them from developing the very tools they need to thrive.
Do any of the following parenting approaches resonate?
Overprotection
Helicopter parenting—where parents hover, intervene at the slightest sign of trouble, or micromanage their teen’s life—can send the message that the child is incapable of handling challenges on their own. I see parents all the time who will give their children lifts everywhere, rather than allowing them to manage public transport independently. Parents who want to protect their child from every possible harm, and end up wrapping them in so much cotton wool that the child does not develop the skills to make their own decisions, and take the consequences of these dicisions.
Research from the University of Mary Washington found that overparenting is linked with higher levels of anxiety and depression in children, and lower self-efficacy Segrin et al., 2012.
Rescuing from Failure
When a teen receives a poor grade, falls out with a friend, or doesn’t get a role in the school play, stepping in to ‘fix’ the situation removes the learning opportunity. Failure teaches perseverance, critical thinking, and adaptability—cornerstones of resilience. How many well-intentioned parents have contacted schools and teachers to try and sort out issues on their child’s behalf? Or told their child that it’s the teacher’s fault for not teaching the class properly?
As Dr. Angela Duckworth, author of Grit, puts it: “Allowing kids to experience struggle is essential for developing grit and resilience.”
Avoiding Difficult Conversations
Avoiding talks about death, rejection, or global issues (like climate change or war) might seem protective, but it can leave teens feeling isolated in their fears. Instead, open discussions can help teenagers process difficult emotions, develop empathy, and learn coping strategies. Clearly, we do not want children to be weighed down by the problems of the world, and over-engagement in the difficulties of life might lead to anxiety in children, but, you do not develop coping skills by avoiding all situations where coping isrequired.
What Parents Can Do to Foster Resilience
The good news is that resilience can be taught and strengthened over time. Parents play a pivotal role in this process—not by eliminating stressors or by simply telling children to toughen up, but by helping teens build the confidence and skills to manage them.
Here are some practical ways to support resilience:
Encourage Problem-Solving
Instead of offering solutions, ask open-ended questions:
“What do you think you could do about that?”
“What might be a good next step?”
Helping teens take ownership of problems builds self-efficacy—a belief in their ability to influence outcomes. Keep the conversations open and honest, but try not to give your child he ‘best’ solutions all the time. Even if a teenager might have a slightly unusual way of approaching a problem, we should value their solution and let them experience the emotions involved in following through a decision to its natural conclusion, positive or negative.
Let Them Experience Consequences
Natural consequences (such as a low mark due to lack of revision) are powerful learning tools. While it’s tempting to rescue teens from discomfort, doing so deprives them of learning accountability and perseverance. Pointing the finger at external circumstances, such as poor teaching, too many snow days etc may feel like you are protecting your child from bitter disappointment, but it only serves to allow the child to think that good results are not within their control.
Try saying “I know your results are disappointing, but is there anything that you feel you could do differently next time, to avoid feeling this way?”
According to research by the Harvard Center on the Developing Child, experiences of manageable stress build resilience over time—especially when supportive adults are present to help them reflect Harvard University.
Model Resilient Behaviour
Teens are keen observers. How you react to setbacks, conflicts, or stress sends a powerful message. If you speak openly about your own challenges and model healthy coping mechanisms—like exercise, journalling, or seeking support—they’ll be more likely to adopt similar behaviours. Easier said than done, but teenagers are great at pointing out when parents are being hypocritical!
Instead of “I’m too tired to run tonight, and it’s raining so I think I’m justified in giving it a miss”, saying: “I really don’t feel like going for a run right now, but I’m going to get out there because I know I’ll feel great once it’s over, even if I keep it really short.”
Promote Emotional Literacy
Help teens recognise, name, and express their emotions. Encouraging statements like:
“It’s OK to feel overwhelmed sometimes—what do you need right now?”
can validate their feelings and teach regulation. This is crucial to facilitating the previous three points: children need to learn how to understand negative, difficult and conflicting emotions in order to manage them and move forwards positively.
You might consider tools like the Zones of Regulation framework or journaling apps like Daylio or Moodnotes, which help teens track and reflect on emotional patterns.
Foster a Growth Mindset
Emphasise effort over outcome. Praise persistence, creativity, and learning from mistakes. Carol Dweck’s research on growth mindset shows that teens who believe abilities can be developed are more likely to embrace challenges and persist after failure Dweck, 2006. I remember my mum telling me that the only disasters in life are when you don’t learn anything from when things go wrong. Just remember that this ‘silver lining’ attitude is unlikely to appear in the immediate aftermath of a big disappointment; it takes time to get to this stage.
Try saying:
“I’m proud of how hard you worked, regardless of the result.”
“What did you learn from that experience?”
Build Connection and Belonging
A strong parent-child relationship is a key buffer against stress. Spend regular one-on-one time together without distractions. Listen more than youspeak. Show them they are valued, heard, and loved unconditionally.
Resources for Parents
Here are some helpful resources to support you in building resilience in your teen:
- YoungMinds – https://www.youngminds.org.uk: Mental health resources and advice for parents and teens.
- Place2Be – https://www.place2be.org.uk: Provides mental health support in schools and helpful parenting tips.
- Harvard Centre on the Developing Child – Resilience Portal: Excellent evidence-based insights into the science of resilience.
- MindEd for Families – https://mindedforfamilies.org.uk: Free online resources on teenage mental health, created by NHS professionals.
- NSPCC Parenting Advice – https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/
Final Thoughts
Raising resilient teenagers doesn’t mean toughening them up or pushing them to be emotionally stoic. It’s about helping them develop the internal and external resources they need to cope, adapt, and thrive—even when life is difficult.
It requires a shift from protection to preparation: giving them the space to struggle, the tools to succeed, and the support to believe in themselves. While you cannot prevent your child from encountering hardship, you can walk beside them, offering the guidance and encouragement that will serve them for life.
As the African proverb wisely says, “Prepare the child for the road, not the road for the child.”